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High
Risk Ways of Communicating
Articulate
Self Expression
Constructive
Confrontation
Reading
Body Language
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Knowing
how to create a joyful, high Integrity life means knowing how to confront
yourself and others in a constructive, open manner. If you do not
know how to confront yourself and others openly and constructively
you will either find yourself in constant discord or you will have
to continually submit to the whims of others. Both options violate
your Integrity and compromise the quality of your life.
CONSTRUCTIVE OPENNESS *
Rarely do you talk openly to yourself or others about your reactions
to your own behavior. And even less frequently do you talk to others
about your reactions to their behavior. Most of you withhold your
feelings, even from yourselves, because you don’t know how
to be constructively open. Consequently, you remain isolated from
yourself. Your relationships with others flounder and sink under
a load of tiny annoyances, hurt feelings and misunderstandings that
were never talked about and dealt with openly because you fear hurting
the other, making them angry, or being rejected.
- Constructive Openness will improve your relationship with yourself
and with others rather than harming either if you practice the
following principles:Your openness must originate from a desire
to improve your relationship with yourself and with others. Openness
is not an end in itself, but is a means to an end. When you are
attempting to create a constructive discussion, make it known
that you value your relationship and wish to improve it because
it is so important.
- Aim at creating mutual understandings of your relationship.
Make it known that you wish to understand how the other person
perceives and feels about your actions also. Each of you must
understand the relationship from the viewpoint of the other person.
- Recognize that openness involves risk. You cannot receive a
maximum benefit with minimum risk. Your willingness to risk being
vulnerable, being rejected or hurt will be the foundation for
constructive communication. Likewise, you cannot guarantee that
others will not feel hurt or angry by your disclosures.
- Although the discussion may become intense, spirited, angry,
or tearful, it should not be coercive. Do not try to change the
other person. The approach is not “Who’s wrong and
who’s right?” but it needs to be “What can each
of us learn from this discussion that will make our relationship
more productive and more satisfying?” As a result of the
discussion, one, both, or neither of you may act differently in
the future. Each, however, will act with fuller awareness of the
effect of her/her actions on the other as well as with more understanding
of the other’s intentions. Any change must be self-chosen
rather than a forced placation or submission to the other.
- Timing is important. Reactions should be discussed as close
to the behavior that initiated them as possible so that the behavior
and the reactions can be accurately remembered and understood
in context.
- Do not gunny sack. Frustrations and irritations should be discussed
as they occur rather than saving up hurt feelings and annoyances
and dumping them all at one time.
- Paraphrase and repeat the other person’s comments about
you to make sure you understand them as they were intended. Check
to make sure the other understands your comments in the way you
intended them.
- Statements and Disclosures you make are more helpful if they
are …
Specific rather than general. For example, “I am really
upset right now.” Rather than “You always make me
so angry.”
Tentative rather than absolute. For example, “I guess we’re
feeling confused right now.” Rather than “We have
never understood each other.”
Informing rather than ordering. For example, “I hadn’t
finished yet.” Rather than “Stop interrupting me.”
- Use perception-checking responses to ensure that you are not
making false assumptions about the other’s feelings. For
example, “I thought you weren’t interested in trying
to understand my idea. Was I wrong?” or “Did my last
statement bother you?”
- The least helpful kinds of statements are those that sound as
if they are information about the other person but are really
expressions of your own feelings, such as …
Judgments. For example,” You never pay attention.”
Name Calling and Trait Labeling. For example, “You’re
a phony.” “You’re too rude.
Accusations or Inputting Undesirable Motives. For example, “You
enjoy putting people down.” “You always have to be
the center of attention.
Commands and Orders. For example, “Stop laughing.”
“Don’t talk so much.
Sarcasm. For example, “You always look on the bright side
of things, don’t you?” (when the opposite is meant)
- The most helpful kinds of information about yourself and your
reactions are …
Behavior descriptions: reporting the specific acts of the other
that affect you.
Describing your own feelings. For example, “I feel blue.”
“I like what you just said.” Describe your feelings
in such a way that they are understood to be temporary and capable
of change rather than as permanent. For example, “Right
now I’m very annoyed with you.” Rather than “I
hate you and I always have and I always will.”
This material is a collection of the wisdom from many people. The
original author’s are unknown.
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